tomorrow is the day my best friend died a year ago. their death has felt both too real and too unreal over the last year and i’m afraid that tomorrow will bring some finality, will make it real when i haven’t yet finished bargaining for it not to be.

this time last year i felt like spring was fucking with me. this year i’m taking the beauty of spring as less of a personal affront but it still feels wrong. west philly spring was always better with them, laying around the park in the sun having a coffee and a laugh, walking around at odd hours. it belonged to us. tomorrow it’s supposed to rain, which feels appropriate, but also fucks with my hopes to do something that honors them properly. there were some loose plans to light fireworks off under the grey’s ferry bridge, which is something i would pretty much never do, honestly, but bml absolutely would have.

there’s no celebration to be had tomorrow and nothing will feel like the right thing to do. i’m going to feel fucked up and it won’t be a good day. but i’m going for the closest thing to fine. i’m going to get up, and i’m going to go outside even if it’s raining, and i’m going to get a coffee and go for a long walk in the woodlands like we’d done together except this time i’ll bring my dog, who i regret every day that bml never got to meet. and i’m going to reach out to other people who love them. i’ll listen to some records they loved. i’ll put some bml stickers up. maybe i’ll drive to a taco bell. maybe i’ll make a luxurious meal. maybe i’ll smoke a single camel blue. maybe i’ll try listening to the mixtape they made me when we were in high school that i’ve been too afraid to listen to since they died (i have a vague memory of the tape being fucked and if it is, i’ll be devastated). i’ll definitely talk to them. i’ll definitely cry. i’ll definitely sit in the unreality and the reality of it all. i’ll remember them properly as they were to me.

on our first date winnie asked me what people could do to honor bml, even if they never got to know them. my answer and my ask to all the people who love me, for tomorrow and every day: practice boundless enthusiasm for everyone and everything, deep belly laugh and make your friends laugh as much as possible, and leave fat tips any time you can. it’s what they would do.